If you've ever wanted to see those fantasies inside your head turned into a 3D summer blockbuster, the history of Conan is your best guide. The Conan remake hits theaters this Friday, August 19th, and if Robert E. Howard were still alive, he would be blown away. The advancements of cinema technology would probably freak him out, but he would also break down in tears watching his Cimmeria come to life (in 3D!). Then again, the way 3D movies have been going lately, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to show the remake to zombie Robert E. Howard. He might eat himself. We're better off letting him read the comics!

Where the story of Conan was first published

Anyway, I've turned the abridged history of Conan into a guide for your own box office success. Hopefully you don't have the impatience of a barbarian, as the process will require 79 years.

Step 1: Write your fantasy down in short story and/or poetry form. Howard created Conan and other fantastic characters while living in depression-era Texas. Luckily for you, it looks like the U.S. is heading for another depression, and people will require some fresh escapism! Conan's first appearance was in a short story written for the pulp magazine Weird Tales in December, 1932. The same year, Howard wrote a poem describing Conan's native land of Cimmeria, which was published posthumously in 1965.

Pro Tip: Find a strong internet audience! Pulp magazines shut down years ago, and most print isn't far behind.

Step 2: Get your stories turned into a comic book. Marvel Comics acquired the rights to the Conan stories and turned them into a comic book series, with issue 1 coming out in October, 1970. The series was wildly popular, but they could not portray Conan in his true savagery because of the restrictive Comics Code Authority, so Marvel started the Conan the Adventurer magazine. This allowed for more adult themes and artwork.

Pro Tip: More adult themes and artwork!

Step 3: Get your comic books turned into a movie. In 1982, director John Milius introduced us to Conan on the big screen, portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, in Conan the Barbarian. This movie was very successful, far more so than its 1984 sequel, Conan the Destroyer.

Conan in 2011

Step 4: Get your movie remade into a 3D movie. The new Conan comes out this week. Hollywood has run out of ideas. It's inevitable that everything will be remade, and everything will be made in 3D. All we can do is pray that this year's remake will do the saga of Conan justice.

Pro Tip: Skip step 3! It's the 21st century!

...I hope you enjoyed my guide. If you're a true Conan fan, you already knew all of this, and I encourage such types to enter our Wiki's contest to win limited edition comic books signed by Roy Thomas! Good luck.

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.